She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
