talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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