I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
