my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
