i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
