The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
