I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
