allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
