Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
