I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
