I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
