i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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