it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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