Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
