So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
