I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
