Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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