did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
