Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
