I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Someone shit on the floor
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
