I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
