Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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