If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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