You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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