my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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