Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
