i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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