i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my shit smells like andre
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
