First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
