did i walk over a car last night?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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