Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
