final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
