im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
