Come see our sink grown plant.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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