Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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