I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
