I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My feet surprised me
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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