Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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