girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
