Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
