mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
