Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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