Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
