Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
