I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
