fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
