i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
