Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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