dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
