I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
