i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
