mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
