You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
