That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
