I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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