How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
