we have pet lesbian snakes
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
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