Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
