Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
