Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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